I'm a dog. A DOG!

Okay, let me try to explain this to you again, Mom: See, I'm a dog. Therefore, I look, act, and smell LIKE A DOG. So, I don't understand why it is that whenever I even start smelling like a dog - which I am - you put me in the bathtub and keep me there until I smell like a flower. I am not a flower. I do not wish to be a flower. I do not wish to smell like a flower.

Frankly, Mom, it's embarrassing to smell like a flower when you're a dog. Dogs recognize each other and decide whether or not they like each other based on smell. Since I smell like a flower, my would-be friends don't know whether to play with me or pee on me. It's really embarrassing.

YOU are embarrassing me, Mom. Please stop. Please. Couldn't you just let me be a dog who smells like a dog?

I didn't think so.

Ugh. I can't even look at you right now.

-Duchess