I'm a dog. A DOG!

Okay, let me try to explain this to you again, Mom: See, I'm a dog. Therefore, I look, act, and smell LIKE A DOG. So, I don't understand why it is that whenever I even start smelling like a dog - which I am - you put me in the bathtub and keep me there until I smell like a flower. I am not a flower. I do not wish to be a flower. I do not wish to smell like a flower.

Frankly, Mom, it's embarrassing to smell like a flower when you're a dog. Dogs recognize each other and decide whether or not they like each other based on smell. Since I smell like a flower, my would-be friends don't know whether to play with me or pee on me. It's really embarrassing.

YOU are embarrassing me, Mom. Please stop. Please. Couldn't you just let me be a dog who smells like a dog?

I didn't think so.

Ugh. I can't even look at you right now.

-Duchess

Don't stick your feet in your ears.

Listen up, dogs of the world! I’m being poisoned! I think. Yeah, I’m pretty sure.


It all started with a trip to the vet, because I kept sticking my feet in my ears. (Helpful hint: Do NOT stick your feet in your ears. This will almost certainly lead straight to the vet’s office. And by the way, I’m pretty sure that “vet” means “person who torments animals” because my visits with the vet are NEVER pleasant.) Anyway, the vet gave my mom some poison – at least it tastes like poison. Helpful Hint: Here’s what poison looks like:

Don't eat this!!!!

And my mom keeps putting this poison in my food, and have I mentioned that it tastes like…poison?

You know this isn't right, Mom.

I asked my sister, Duchess, if her dinner tasted like it had been poisoned.

My sister said, “I can’t hear you because there’s food present.”


I took that as a no. I knew my sister was mom’s favorite all along! I knew it! I knew it! My sister isn’t even being poisoned! At all! And also, she gets bigger bones. I think. Yeah, I’m pretty sure.


Well, I just wanted to say so long, friends. It’s only a matter of time now, since the poison is in every meal I eat. I’ll either starve to death, or be poisoned to death, but the end result is the same, isn’t it? So, what have we learned here today? DON’T STICK YOUR FEET IN YOUR EARS!


UPDATE: I ate poison for two weeks straight, but I’m still alive…because I’m tough like that. So my mom gave up on poisoning me. BOO-YAH! And also, my ears feel better. Hunh.

-Comfort